recall with vivid clarity the sound of your final breath. I remember how it felt as the warmth began to leave you and the heaviness
of death settled into your body, my arms and my heart. As I sat there holding you for the last time I began wondering how I was
going to be able to pick up the pieces of my heart and continue to live when part of me died with you; yet somehow, a year later, I’m still going.
It was 7:36 a.m., I was crying over what was happening, holding
on to you as tightly as I could when I heard your daddy uttering those words I feared hearing, “he’s gone”. He said it so calmly, and at the same time I could hear in his voice what I was feeling in my heart. I knew it in my head you were gone, I watched it happen, but my heart was unwilling and unable to accept it, that part hasn’t changed. I can’t believe that a year has passed, it seems like only yesterday I was snuggling you close to me, covering you in kisses – it’s been 365 days since I’ve held you, touched you…it feels like a lifetime ago and at the same time, the pain still makes it feel like it was only yesterday.
I have so much to say, but, I don’t know how to say it, and I cannot put into words what or how I feel. I watch life happening all around mesometimes I feel like I’m stuck in a time warp, like I’m on the outside looking in. I miss my dad, every day with all my heart, but dare I say I can handle those feelings (or maybe not, maybe they are just masked) it just doesn’t feel the same or as intense as my feelings over Kaleb’s loss. I get out of bed like everyone else every day, but I don’t feel like everyone else, I feel like a mother who has lost a child because - that’s who I am.
My mom, she tells a lot of lies, she never did before,
but from now until she dies, she'll tell a whole lot more.
... Ask my mom how she is and because she can't explain,
she will tell a little lie because she can't describe the pain.
Ask my mom how she is, she'll say, "I'm alright"
If that's the truth then tell me, why does she cry each night?
Ask my mom how she is, she seems to cope so well,
she doesn't have a choice you see nor the strength to yell.
Ask my mom how she is, "I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping,"
Please mom, just tell the truth, just say your heart is broken.
She'll love me all her life, I loved her all of mine,
But if you ask her how she is, she'll lie and say she's fine.
I am here in heaven, I cannot hug from here,
If she lies to you don't listen, hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again I'll smile and I'll be bold,
I'll say, "You're lucky to get in here, Mom, with all the lies you told!"