Thanksgiving has passed and Christmas is coming, these should be our happiest of times, but they aren't. I'm doing the best that I can to make these two holidays the most special ones we have ever had in case they are our last with Kaleb. Christmas lost most of it's wonder for me when I found out that Santa wasn't real, but when Christopher was born it became magical again through the innocence and wonder in that little boys eyes - but it would end for him earlier than it did for me - kids are wise beyond their years these days. Then Kaleb came along and the magic was back, but this time it's being taken away from us in a completely different way. No matter what happens, Christmas will never be the same. Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful that he is still here with us, too many families have lost their babies this year and will have to go through the holidays feeling their loss. But it is all so sad.
I keep thinking some day, this will get easier, but it's been almost nine months since our diagnosis and the tears still come every day, every night - you'd figure by now they'd dry up, but they don't and the ache that I feel in my heart hurts just as bad today as it did nine months ago; actually that may not be true, I think that has gotten worse. It's a pain I can't describe, even if I wanted too.
My shoes - unknown
I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am. I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who is losing a child or one who has lost a child.