I wake up every morning with an ache in my heart and an image of that sweet face. Today, my first thought this morning was, did I clean the inside of his mouth enough in his final days, was his mouth dry and I should have swabbed it more? It’s been seven weeks today, I don’t know how it’s happening but life just keeps moving on and with it, so do I somehow. A friend told me that grief had been described to her in this way….it’s like you’re standing at the beach with your back to the ocean, right now things are fine but then out of the blue a giant wave comes crashing into shore knocking you down with it and that is SO true. I was in Target the other day, one isle over I heard this little boy “momma, momma” I started wondering what Kaleb’s voice would have sounded like and once again wishing I could have heard him call me mommy, just once – my “ok” day just took a serious turn and I had to come home.
When I was a child, we often went to church and Sunday school I was baptized at the age of 13. Then I started thinking about some of the bad things that had happened in my life and decided that I wasn’t worthy of God’s love and quit going to church. I never stopped believing in God or the idea of Heaven and Hell I just gave up on it. When we discovered that Kaleb wouldn’t be with us for very long I started thinking about my relationship with God and realized that I needed to “fix” it. My interest for renewing my faith and spirituality may seem to have selfish motives, but within the last couple of months I discovered that the only way I was going to make it through this was with the strength of my family and by putting my life back in God’s hands. Dave and I have started going to church and we talk about God and the Bible, mostly about Heaven and what we think it is like for Kaleb. When Kaleb was here, people used to say “I don’t know how you do it” and my answer was “I have too, he needs me” now when people say “I don’t know how you do it” my answer is “neither do I” but I get out of bed each morning and that morning turns into another and another. I still have my days where I fall flat on my face but I get back up again and somehow keep going even on the days that I don’t want too. Sometimes I can feel myself becoming stronger –it’s like God has his hand on my shoulder reminding me that I have a strong husband, supportive family and friends, telling me that if I put my faith back in Him, He will give me the strength to l make it through this.
"The Hurt & The Healer"
Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn’t come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains
So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering
I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide
Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through
So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering
I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide
It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say “It’s over now”
I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide
Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide [x2]
Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here