On most days, Dave would go out in the morning and after our nurse left he would pick Kaleb up and they’d doze off for about an hour before he had to get up and get ready for work. But on this particular morning, I thankfully decided to go out too – I did not want to miss a moment with him. As I said, we knew the time was drawing near, we did not know however that we were spending our last hour and fifty two minutes with him. When I finally accepted that Kaleb would not be healed on earth, my constant prayer to God was that when that time came that he would go peacefully and that I would be with him. I’m thankful that both Dave and I were with him when he took his last breath. Death came quickly for Kaleb, in the blink of an eye he was gone. After four years and eight days of fighting a losing battle, he was finally at peace
Two years have now passed but, it still feels like yesterday. I can close my eyes and see his sweet little face but I can no longer touch it. The weight of his absence feels like a thousand pounds and sometimes just breathing is difficult. I look around the house and the only trace of him are in photographs and paintings – I often find myself wondering if he was ever really here, or if I just dreamed it all up. The never ending pain in my heart reminds me that he was in fact VERY real. Somehow I have managed to stumble through another day and it feels like yesterday I held him in my arms – yet at the same time, it feels like a lifetime ago. I recently saw a post of Facebook that said “People keep telling me life goes on…but to me that is the saddest part.”
If Only – by Ron Tranmer
If only, my child, I could send,
A basket filled with love
And pretty blue forget-me-not’s
To your new home above.
If only I could send a hug
Past every twinkling star,
And a suitcase filled with kisses
Up to heave where you are.
If only I could rock you
As I did not long ago,
And sing you one more lullaby
Before you had to go.
If only’s fill my every thoughts
As my heart is aching for you.
With faith, I’ll wait until the time
“If only’s” all come true.